On My Way to Me

40, I never thought that I would be 40. Let alone to have the life that I live. I have a great life and it is not the life that I thought that I would have. I pictured it differently. What I never thought about was who I would be, how I would view myself or my world, what would be my strengths and weaknesses, what would give me life, passion and purpose.

My life story is one that I do not like, but it is mine and there is no changing it. So while this is still a daily struggle sometimes I am learning to accept it and not have shame and guilt about it.

I am still learning who I am. Now that I am not in survival mode, I am learning what life is and what I want my life to be and who I want to be. I am still learning how to structure my life, what works for me, what does not work for me. I am learning how to balance all the things so I can show up the best version of me daily. I am learning how to change my thought processes and beliefs that I have about myself.

I did go to counseling for a couple of years and that helped to give me the tools that I needed for this journey. Discovering myself and utilizing all the tools is like an onion; there is always another layer to peel back. It is like a difficult onion to peel. The layers do not peel themselves. The layers send signals that it is time to begin peeling but it is intentional and hard work to peel them back. And it is not linear or perfect. It is never how I want to be.

Everyday it is a choice, a choice to be on my way to me.