On My Way to Me

Written by the one who loved him the most.

The moment I met my furever mother- the one who loved me the most and the one I loved the most.

The Alpha Male had just died, I was at the bottom of the pecking order. The blind and deaf pug was valued more than I was. I always wanted to run away and I tried… but they found me and fear stopped me. My previous caregiver was worse and was always high. I know he was a good person and on a level I knew I would die with him with if I stayed. When this family took me in there was hope…. until I learned I was just a wanted and unwanted step child; one who would never be fully accepted into the fold. The moment I saw ‘her’ hope, light, glitter, sadness, connection, uncertainty and certainty entered my heart and my future- I knew she felt it too.

The moment our eyes locked I saw beauty, love, and adventure. She saw parallels. I didn’t fully understand the ‘why’ at that time but I knew she had fire, conviction, love, and a heart that could see love and suffering.

The Man Child she was with was a good human… not her person, but she loved him. Actually, she just loves.. she loves people and the complicated messes that they are, she loves beautiful messes, she loves even the ugly things in life, she loved me at first sight. I loved her and I still love her even in death, and I liked the Man Child. She loved him and I knew I could love him if she did, but my loyalty was always her. She easily convinced Man Child that I was worth it. She had been wanting a dog but she knew that they right one would come along at the right time. I didn’t know I was waiting for her until she was here. I never would have guessed the depth of love we would share and oh the adventures we would have, and how we would both grow. Little did we know that our time together would be brief.

Day 1-4sih was rough… I was still at the home in Dana,IL while Mother prepared her father’s funeral arrangements. I watched everything from a sad, silent corner. Mother was preoccupied with a varying depth of emotions and situations. I made eye contact and nuzzled when I could. When our eyes would lock it was a feeling of destiny, love, sadness, and certainty. I stilled hoped, but I had also learned that hope could be futile. I had issues. She had a complicated life that I really knew nothing of. I knew I loved her. I was also scared… scared of life… well actually I was just scared and knew on a level that without her I would have a life of making myself small and invisible.. something I also saw in Mother.

The moment I knew… she (Mother) asked me “Do you want to come home with me?” she had said it before but that had a tone of playfulness and uncertainty to it. This time though she was really asking me, she was asking me for my permission, my choice. We both knew the answer. We were sitting on that ancient couch that Alpah died on and that Mother’s mother’s mother owned. She looked into my eyes and I knew she saw me, I saw her. I kissed her face and looked at her with the most pleading and excited eyes I had. I could not speak but I knew deep down that she understood my language. She wrapped her arms around me, put her face in my neck, breathed deeply and I felt our souls connect, I also put my face in her neck and leaned in…. with all my body weight…(which almost caused us to fall)… . it was home.. it was also scary.. and comforting.. but scary in the most beautiful and powerful way. This was new to me and I did not know what my life would look like or the journeys we would take.

The drive to Colorado:

Mother and Man Child did not know that I was scarred of vehicles. I could not help it. I whined. They were frustrated. I was sorry. I tried to convey it my eyes. Mother understood even though she was irritated, she saw there was something deeper going on. She made Man Child stop at a store so I could pick out food and a toy. I had never had a toy that was truly mine. I found one that I loved to squeaked. It was a weird sense of enjoyment and freedom that I quickly felt guilty about. Mother saw this and proceeded to purchase that toy and a few other toys, along with treats, and food. I felt guilty and undeserving. Then, she made Man Child stop at Starbucks for coffee and a Pup Cup… I had never had one before and Mother had to walk me through the steps of a Pup Cup.. I never knew how wonderful it was. Mother was enjoying coffee and I had a pup cup… for a moment we were just us; me and her, enjoying caffeine and dairy together on the start of a new life, both scared, and hopeful of a life of hurt, depth, happiness and adventure to explore…. together

Arriving at Home

The new home, the furever home was amazing and rough. She did not know that I had issues being caged. I broke out of everything she put me in when she had to go to work. I would panic, a cage evoked fear within me… an irrational fear but I freaked out and would hurt myself. Mother had a feeling that she should just let me be in free in the house. I loved her for what she saw and understood. The day she left for work and did not put me in the kennel, I knew I needed to show her the real me- I slept on the couch in multiple positions and I did not bark once. When she came home I greeted her at the door incredibility happy and relieved to see her- I knew she would come home and back to me but each time it was the best time ever. I loved her so much.

The First Mountain Outing

Mother enjoyed the outdoors. She wanting to take me hiking and she found an alpine lake and trail that spoke to her. Neither of us or Man Childe had been on this trail. Mother spent hours and days finding me the right gear for this trip. I was just happy that she as happy. When I first stepped onto the trail, it was weird, I did not know what to think, there was freedom and pine in the air. I also knew nothing of these do called mountains… actually the word mountain meant nothing to me… like cool word dude, lets go. The scents on this trail were invergotating, they were new, exciting, freedom, clean, and all meant adventure and love. Mother and I had the best photos on this trip. I loved the mountain trails second to Mother. I loved rolling in shallow and cool creeks, I loved watching the fish in American Lakes, I could smell the moose and snow. I ran and played in snow with Man Child. On the trail Mother knew I could be off leash. I loved her for knowing me… little did we know that loving and seeing me she would also be loving and seeing herself. Man Child took pictures of us. I knew that he was taken them so he would feel important and part of out love story, I knew that Mother would look back on these photos as our first hike and she would need to be reminded of the pure love and joy we shared together- just us two. I knew that our time would be limited- she saw forever in me. Little did she know that seeing forever in me would equate to seeing forever in herself as the beautiful, dynamic, energetic loving, force of nature that she is.

The mountains gave life to me a life that I did not know until I knew. Mother saw this in me. My love and enthusiasm for the trails inspired Mother. She is love. Mother Teresa is still more than Mother, but if people could see Mother the way I see her and they way she truly is, the nations would put her second to Mother Teresa with her heart of love and empathy.

The trails gave life to me that I had never known. There was beauty, freedom, happiness, sadness, hope, reflections, challenges, breaking points, achievements, serenity, calmness, wonder, and the past, present, and future. There was everything and there was nothing, but there was everything differently.

She experienced joy through me, she saw my joy and timidness in nature and she walked and carried me through it. Little did she know, we would end our journey in a very similar way. I loved her and she loved me.

Life

In the couple of years after Mother and Man Child took me home I fell in love with The Child. Actually from Day 5 The Child and I connected, we loved to just be with each other. I loved to cuddle with him and wake him up in the mornings. He was hurting and didn’t want Mother to know. He was angry, hopeful, and resentful, I saw him and her and knew that they could not 100% see each other at the moment. She loved him and she knew she was hurting him. She knew Man Child would leave even though she wanted to believe that he would not. She wants to believe what people say even if her gut tells her different. She is beautiful and sees the best in people. She is also full of sadness, hurt, hope, and adventure- we are the same in this regard. on 12/27/2021 I was incredibly proud of Mother. She finally believed in herself fully and let Man Child know that she would not longer tolerate the behavior. Man Child was deceptively understanding and loving. Mother felt hope, love, strength, and a future. I could sense something else. I had been torn between the love and hurt of them both… Mother was pure of heart though, she just loved to loved because it was the world needs and what her heart knows and loves to give. Mother is love and power, but she is ia powerful love. She is the most amazing human with a heart that knows pain, long suffering, hate, injustice, perseverance, hope, laughter, loss, love, and light. 12/27/2021 her world would start to crumble.

Between 04/13/2020 and 12/27/2021 I watched as Mother endured games and heartbreak. She did lose sight of me at times. I knew that this was because Man Child was the one taking me for walks and feeding me… and that was because he was playing complicated games with her that would keep her up at night crying alone in her bathrobe in the garden to the song Heal. I will admit I do feel bad because at times my loyalty was swayed with walks and food…. and now I know my mother understands this. Attention and food speak to her since she was also deprived of these as a child. So again we are more similar than we thought. I loved her and she loved me.

Man Child left, Her grandfather died, she changed jobs, Dallas graduated High school, and joined the Army all with in 6 months. She spiraled, she cried and spiraled some more. I slept next to her, I loved her, I followed her, I was silly, I cuddled her, I annoyed her, I made her laugh, I was something for her to focus on, I did my best for her, I loved her so much that I lost sight of the sun and the moon, she was everything to me including my oxygen, our hearts beat as one. We loved together, we cried together, we were adventure buddies, to say the least. I saw life, light, and love return to her soul through our cuddle times and trail trails together. ………to be continued.